The Thing That I Hate the Most…

is being called out on something that I have already admitted is a problem for me.

M. posted something on her blog late last night about people who burn bridges…something that seems a little judgmental to me about people who choose to live their lives that way. And just last week, I was admitting to her that that is something that I have done in the past and something that I struggle with a lot.

I’m not saying that it’s something that I take very lightly. I know it’s a bad habit, I know that it makes people afraid to get close to me, and I realize the toll its taken on my life. Quite literally, I have burned my way through a number of relationships in the last year when I could have prevented it with a little self-reflection and honesty with people.

But really? I didn’t have the energy for that self-reflection. I was angry at the world for some bad stuff that happened to me and I was trying to hold myself together. And really, I didn’t do too good of a job of that either. And I know that a lot of the reason that my finances are a mess, that my career was in the toilet, and that I have lost a lot of friends in the last year is all fallout from that.

But the thing is that I am working on it. I have a dear friend that I was dating earlier this year with whom I did NOT do that. And who, very significantly, is still in my life.

And the other thing is that I think that there are times when bridges need to be burned. Because of mental health, for the sanity of the parties involved, and because not everyone in the world is acting in one’s best interests. It is a chump move, in my opinion, to sit there and insist upon connection when someone else is only interested in hurting you. I am a vigilant boundary-drawer these days for that reason.

But it hurts my heart to have to say to M that I am working on it and to admit that I am not always perfect. Because I care about her very much and the connection seems real. Realer than most anything else I have experienced in my life.

So there. I guess I am a fiery Irish broad with a quick temper who burns bridges. Hey, I come by it naturally. Wasn’t it an Irish broad who burned down our fine city in the 1800’s?