Love, Me

So, I joined this project called “Love, Me”, which is essentially a project with women bloggers writing love letters to themselves. Cherry Bomb, a blogger and burlesque performer that I met at Mondo Homo came up with the idea and I thought it would be an awesome idea to join. Why would you do this? Read on, friends:

The idea came to me the other day, when a person I don’t know very well said something terrible about me. I gave it some thought, started to feel broken up about it, and then I realized: I know perfectly well all of the things I don’t like about myself. So why are other people are only too happy to volunteer what they don’t like about me? Hating yourself should be passe by now, something as 1997 as brown corduroys, so why is self-loathing still en vogue? Loathing yourself makes it just that much easier to hate other people. Especially other women. Hating yourself is easy; what would truly be subversive and challenging is admitting to loving things about yourself.

So, I decided I would write a love letter to myself and publish it on my blog. I am nervous because it is a difficult task, and one that makes you vulnerable to attack. The moment you admit to loving something about yourself, you are subject to the animus of others who may want to take you down a notch. We, as female-bodied people, are not typically taught to love ourselves. We are taught to demur when given compliments, to write them off with a laugh and never absorb their true meaning. We put ourselves down for the sake of making others feel better about themselves. Admitting to loving things about yourself is egotistical, the cardinal sin of “femininity.” But what if we could articulate those things? And even more so, what if we could support other female-bodied people in doing so?

So, here goes. I am going to edit a poem I started writing a few years ago during the last breakup I had before Special Lady T popped onto the scene. As I recall, it was with La Carpentiere–who I actually SAW last week in Th’ville. Small world–and I was feeling like she was an idiot for dumping me and was trying to define myself.

Love, Me

I love solid. Midwestern
serious work ethic; I love doing
what you love as long as
what you love pays
the bills. Sometimes
you have to suck it up.
The crops must be sown.

I love salt of the earth
no airs about anyone
Or when airs are put on
airs, I love the laughter
that follows–from the gut.

I love being balls out
and the beauty of solitude and privacy.
Hiding and revealing
like a morning glory
innermost stamen thrust
to the sun on brightest days.

I love comedy and tragedy
rolled into one. Emotions
fleeting like clouds on
an overcast day. I love overcoming,
I love persevering, I love
laughing at myself.

I love romance and
old-fashioned ways–doors being opened
satin and pumps,
and manners. Yes, manners.
It’s important to be polite.

I love close families.
Cousins and kids running ramshod
through the house. Loud volume, chaotic.

I love the power of generations:
a German hat with a thousand pins on it,
a volume of Irish folktales,
a Celtic knot painted on the ceiling of the
oldest Catholic parish in town.

I love coming from women
five sisters, grandmothers, aunts,
small girl cousins–we rule the roost.
My family: mostly mom and sister
for years no men, only my brother
feminist; how to treat women drilled into
his thick head.

I love capable.
Working hard not
hardly working, I can
handle most of what
gets thrown my way.

And I love sensitive. I
love listening, even when it’s
hard. Leaving emotions checked;
I can hear most things,
recover. Empathize.

Love, Me. I love
me: a million contradictions
complexity, emotions,
depth, humor, beauty.

OK, that was very hard to write. I’m going to go back and do some edits over lunch…I’m really worried about putting myself out there like this. But I guess we shall see what comes of it.

Here’s the list of other gals doing this project:
This is Where I Write – http://rantsnotdrugs.blogspot.com/
Twenty Twenty Hindsight – http://twentytwentyhindsight.com/
Rollertrain – http://rollertrain.tumblr.com/
Fluid Pusher – http://fluidpusher.blogspot.com/
Cherry Bomb – http://www.cherrybombnyc.com

Finally…

A moment to sit down, catch my breath, and write for a bit. It’s been another whirlwind of few weeks. I set up this website, closed down my old blog and uploaded a ton of videos on YouTube.

On Thursday, I got together with my BFF, E. It was SO nice to hang out with her. She gives me a lot of perspective on the burlesque community by not being a part of it–she’s such a cool chick. I’m lucky to know her. She put together a picnic for us in belated celebration of my birthday. It as so much fun. We visited for a while, whilst listening to the Eco Hippies play drums and a seriously annoying whiny horn thing (sounded like a snake charmer’s horn.) Then we went back to E’s house, visited with her partner Aunty Onion, and sang Melissa Etheridge karaoke. What a night! It was one of the best things I did for my birthday in years.

Then Friday we had a kick-ass show. Seriously, the show (The Girlie-Q Variety Hour) just gets better each week. It was fun, the crowd was energetic, and the energy was electric. Good night! Afterwards, I went out with Valerie Dolls and the Puterbaughs (and another old friend, Pieper) to Little Jim’s, this divey 4AM bar in boystown. Me and the Puterbaughs closed down the place and then I crashed on the couch–didn’t want to wake T–until my WORK ALARM went off accidentally at 7:30 AM.

Yesterday, we got promo pieces done for the new Sunday show. Special Lady T designed/ideated the piece and I executed. Then we postered our neighborhood exhaustively, stopped by the venue to say hi to the owners and drop off promo materials, which they loved.

Oop. I have to go get ready for coffee/brunch with Special Lady T and the Strick, my old queer performance pal (and T’s friend, independent of me). Will write more later, promise!

OK. Back now. That was delicious. We went and sat outside at Kopi Cafe. Me and T go there nearly every weekend. Same order: Me, Everything bagel with half hummus and half goat cheese with cucumbers, tomatoes and kalamata olives with a soy “slush buzz” (frozen blended chocolatte); T, everything bagel with peanut butter with a small decaf nonfat mocha. I am full and satisfied. It was so awesome to visit with the Strick. She had some good ideas for people I could ask to join the Girlie-Q board (we’re officially incorporated as a non-profit with the State now! Still need to do the 501(c)(3), but Board recruitment is top of mind at the moment.) It was also nice to hear how things went with her film debut in SF. She is in this very big deal lesbian film with Sharon Gless, that another amazingly talented friend, WenJo, directed and they had a debut a few weeks ago in SF and Rosie O’Donnell was there.

But back to Girlie-Q…I’m really happy with how the show has been going and with the new show(s) in development–and with the performers I’ve found though putting the Girlie-Q run together. It’s a nice, tight cast and I love working with them. I do miss my usual gals, but it’s nice to bring some new energy in. I can’t wait to filter some of these acts into the regular shows. I’m definitely getting the Puterbaughs to put together some acts for Uncommon Ground. They are a perfect fit, as would be the torch singers and oh, just everyone. I adore these folks.

All righty. I am going to go see how to YouTube uploading is going and then maybe start on a sewing project. I’ve got three new costumes in my head and I need to get going on them. Or maybe I’m just going to go sit on the porch and enjoy all of this amazing sunshine.

xox,
Ms. Bea Haven
The Burlesbo <—new tagline invented by me, in conversation with the Puterbaughs

Burlesque Workshops & Rainbow Sweatshirts

Last night was entertaining. I taught a burlesque workshop at The Pleasure Chest for a gaggle of straight ladies. It was really fun–they were really into it and were really supportive of me and one another. I taught some moves and then worked them through a chair dance for their hubbies.

Fun times. There were 5 ladies there and I made a decent chunk of change for my hour and a half. Awes.

Things are looking up. I met with a venue last night for a show I’m working on with The Pin-Ups. They are this amazing group of musicians that do this 40’s Andrews Sisters thing. Madame Pinup and I went to this theater space to check it out.

While we were at the venue, we met a producer who knows people in P-town. He said that the Women’s Week in October might be looking for people and he’d connect us with them. Also, he said that there was a venue there that was looking for entertainers for the summer. Woo! Gay resort, here we come.

Funny story about P-Town: The last time I was at my parent’s house, they came downstairs one morning wearing matching shirts–they do this a lot, match their shirts–they often purchase matching shirts on vacation. But these particular shirts were from Provincetown. And each had a tiny rainbow flag on it. I was like, “Uh, guys? You know that those are gay shirts, right? You’re identifying yourselves as queer with the rainbows.” My mom was like, “Really? Oh, well. We just thought the rainbows were pretty.”

What is amazing to me is that the more I put myself out there, the more that comes back in the form of opportunities. That is my thought for the morning as I launch myself into yet another “double”. (Day job during the day; performance at night.) Tomorrow, I meet with an illustrator–who I am hiring to do some art for our posters for the classic burlesque show at Uncommon Ground–and then Saturday I move in with Special Lady T! Yikes! No stress…

xox,
Ms. Bea

But Back to My Regularly-Scheduled Updates…

Ugh.

I don’t even like to leave stuff like that last post up as my main post too long, because that’s not where I’m at now.

So, as I mentioned…last night was a FANTASTIC show. There have been moments in my life where I stand back from what’s happening and observe it and feel immensely satisfied with the effort that’s been put in and the brilliance of those people who surround me. Last night was one of those nights.

It was just the right mix. There were hoopers and bellydance and modern dance and go-go along with my usual cast of stripteasers. It was sexy, it was funny, and the crowd was eating it up with a spoon. I hosted (which I used to hate, but have finally gotten the hang of) and was very funny. (I know because all day long people have been IMing me telling me I was really “on” last night).

Special Lady T was there, which was a treat. She has been taking a break from attending everything I do–because there is so MUCH of it–and it was awesome to see her smiling face out there all night. She brought one of her friends, who also had a GREAT time. And it was amazing to see my good friend Mick there. It has been too long since we all hung out.

So, yes, fuckin’ awesome show. Well worth the minor mental breakdown I had on Wednesday night (and in the car yesterday afternoon) where I was overtired and stressed and it was all getting to me. I just need to remember this part and savor it.

OMG.

The best thing that is happening in my life is that I am MOVING IN with Special Lady T in a week! I’m super-duper-excited about the whole thing. It’s been a long time in coming and it’s finally here. If that relationship I was blogging about this morning represents the low point, T is definitely, definitely the high one.

She’s an amazing, supportive, centered, together woman who is strong enough, cool enough, and hot enough for me. She just gets me in a way that nobody else ever has and makes me want to work on myself, be a better person, and spend the rest of my days with her. And not in a gross obsessive way. Just in a two-puzzle-pieces-that-fit-together-right kind of way.

Hooray!

All right, I need to get back to laundry and whatnot. I am on my last two loads of laundry EVER in this place. And perhaps the last laundry I will ever pay quarters to wash & dry. WOO!

Mas later, bitches.

Two Pounds? Really?

Things are still busy. Last night was fun–I went to my costume class lab and me and ChiStageDiva traced one of my bras onto some scrap fabric to learn how to make patterns. We made two bullet bra cups and the halter part. My homework is to sew them together.

The coolest part was when I was explaining my martini act and she told me that she’d seen it. She said that it was one of the most entertaining things she saw at Beastwomen and couldn’t believe that was me. Nice compliments. I really need to get good video of that act, once the new costume is done. I think it’s one of my strongest pieces right now.

Tonight will be fun. I’m meeting K at the studio so we can go through our acts for this weekend. I’m so glad that she and I reconciled. It was a long time in coming–we were such good friends and I was so sad when we got mad at each other. I’m so happy to have her back in my life and it’s nice to have my old collaborator back. She and I were always such a good fit. We’re gonna re-work something from the archives and start work on some top-secret new acts.

And speaking of my excellent friends who I miss, I’m meeting E for coffee on Saturday before class. I’m giving her the mini-sombreros I got for her and Aunty in Mexico. (I bought eight of them total, in many colors. K gets one too, and CruelV, for teaching my class while I was gone.) I adore Ms. E and I’m so glad whenever we manage to carve out a minute to spend together.

And speaking of REALLY REALLY old friends…I just got back into contact with a pile of people I knew in San Francisco when I lived there, through Facebook. I found my old roommate Bridget Alias (not her real name–we were all on this crazy BBS and had “handles” back in the day) and I’ve been writing back and forth with her. It’s so amazing that this BBS (SFNET) made a Facebook group. I’ve been out of touch with those folks for going on ten years and they were who I knew and hung out with when I was young. It was such a small tightly-knit group; I’m so very grateful for Facebook for putting me back in touch. Amazing.

This weekend is crazy crazy. T’s super cool parents are in town (how glad am I that they are chill and nice and a pleasure to hang out with? SUPER), I have three shows, and we’re doing auditions for Girlie-Q. There are a bunch of new ladies signed up–I’m so excited! It’s going to be nice to see some fresh faces.

Sidenote: My music is on “shuffle” from last night’s Facebook note-writing and Judas Priest just came on. Too much for first thing. I had to switch it to Herb Alpert.

Diet Update: So, I have been on this diet since January (1,500 calories a day) and I’d been feeling like I’m really getting into “fighting weight”, so I was excited to get weighed yesterday at the doctor (I went in for my annual). The last time I was weighed was probably January, so I was stoked. I was horrified when the nurse told me I’d only lost 2 pounds. BOOOOOO. I was so upset when I left the office, figuring that my vacation had blown any gains made. And I was starving yesterday afternoon due to my super-lean lunch, so that did not help me feel any better. I went right to Jimmy John’s and got dinner–because I was sad and wanted something delicious I could not eat on my diet.

So then last night I went to costume lab and the teacher measured me to determine which pattern size we were going to use…And I decided to enter my measurements into the site I’m using to track my diet…And I’ve lost four inches from my waist and an inch from my bust. So, I guess the moral of the story is that the number does not matter. It’s how you look & feel (well, and that there is progress in some fashion)

Back to the diet, I say.

All right. Must jump and go to the real life I lead (where glitter application is not a job requirement. Which is sad.) At least the weather’s gonna warm up today.

Mas later.

xox