Love, Me

So, I joined this project called “Love, Me”, which is essentially a project with women bloggers writing love letters to themselves. Cherry Bomb, a blogger and burlesque performer that I met at Mondo Homo came up with the idea and I thought it would be an awesome idea to join. Why would you do this? Read on, friends:

The idea came to me the other day, when a person I don’t know very well said something terrible about me. I gave it some thought, started to feel broken up about it, and then I realized: I know perfectly well all of the things I don’t like about myself. So why are other people are only too happy to volunteer what they don’t like about me? Hating yourself should be passe by now, something as 1997 as brown corduroys, so why is self-loathing still en vogue? Loathing yourself makes it just that much easier to hate other people. Especially other women. Hating yourself is easy; what would truly be subversive and challenging is admitting to loving things about yourself.

So, I decided I would write a love letter to myself and publish it on my blog. I am nervous because it is a difficult task, and one that makes you vulnerable to attack. The moment you admit to loving something about yourself, you are subject to the animus of others who may want to take you down a notch. We, as female-bodied people, are not typically taught to love ourselves. We are taught to demur when given compliments, to write them off with a laugh and never absorb their true meaning. We put ourselves down for the sake of making others feel better about themselves. Admitting to loving things about yourself is egotistical, the cardinal sin of “femininity.” But what if we could articulate those things? And even more so, what if we could support other female-bodied people in doing so?

So, here goes. I am going to edit a poem I started writing a few years ago during the last breakup I had before Special Lady T popped onto the scene. As I recall, it was with La Carpentiere–who I actually SAW last week in Th’ville. Small world–and I was feeling like she was an idiot for dumping me and was trying to define myself.

Love, Me

I love solid. Midwestern
serious work ethic; I love doing
what you love as long as
what you love pays
the bills. Sometimes
you have to suck it up.
The crops must be sown.

I love salt of the earth
no airs about anyone
Or when airs are put on
airs, I love the laughter
that follows–from the gut.

I love being balls out
and the beauty of solitude and privacy.
Hiding and revealing
like a morning glory
innermost stamen thrust
to the sun on brightest days.

I love comedy and tragedy
rolled into one. Emotions
fleeting like clouds on
an overcast day. I love overcoming,
I love persevering, I love
laughing at myself.

I love romance and
old-fashioned ways–doors being opened
satin and pumps,
and manners. Yes, manners.
It’s important to be polite.

I love close families.
Cousins and kids running ramshod
through the house. Loud volume, chaotic.

I love the power of generations:
a German hat with a thousand pins on it,
a volume of Irish folktales,
a Celtic knot painted on the ceiling of the
oldest Catholic parish in town.

I love coming from women
five sisters, grandmothers, aunts,
small girl cousins–we rule the roost.
My family: mostly mom and sister
for years no men, only my brother
feminist; how to treat women drilled into
his thick head.

I love capable.
Working hard not
hardly working, I can
handle most of what
gets thrown my way.

And I love sensitive. I
love listening, even when it’s
hard. Leaving emotions checked;
I can hear most things,
recover. Empathize.

Love, Me. I love
me: a million contradictions
complexity, emotions,
depth, humor, beauty.

OK, that was very hard to write. I’m going to go back and do some edits over lunch…I’m really worried about putting myself out there like this. But I guess we shall see what comes of it.

Here’s the list of other gals doing this project:
This is Where I Write – http://rantsnotdrugs.blogspot.com/
Twenty Twenty Hindsight – http://twentytwentyhindsight.com/
Rollertrain – http://rollertrain.tumblr.com/
Fluid Pusher – http://fluidpusher.blogspot.com/
Cherry Bomb – http://www.cherrybombnyc.com

But Back to My Regularly-Scheduled Updates…

Ugh.

I don’t even like to leave stuff like that last post up as my main post too long, because that’s not where I’m at now.

So, as I mentioned…last night was a FANTASTIC show. There have been moments in my life where I stand back from what’s happening and observe it and feel immensely satisfied with the effort that’s been put in and the brilliance of those people who surround me. Last night was one of those nights.

It was just the right mix. There were hoopers and bellydance and modern dance and go-go along with my usual cast of stripteasers. It was sexy, it was funny, and the crowd was eating it up with a spoon. I hosted (which I used to hate, but have finally gotten the hang of) and was very funny. (I know because all day long people have been IMing me telling me I was really “on” last night).

Special Lady T was there, which was a treat. She has been taking a break from attending everything I do–because there is so MUCH of it–and it was awesome to see her smiling face out there all night. She brought one of her friends, who also had a GREAT time. And it was amazing to see my good friend Mick there. It has been too long since we all hung out.

So, yes, fuckin’ awesome show. Well worth the minor mental breakdown I had on Wednesday night (and in the car yesterday afternoon) where I was overtired and stressed and it was all getting to me. I just need to remember this part and savor it.

OMG.

The best thing that is happening in my life is that I am MOVING IN with Special Lady T in a week! I’m super-duper-excited about the whole thing. It’s been a long time in coming and it’s finally here. If that relationship I was blogging about this morning represents the low point, T is definitely, definitely the high one.

She’s an amazing, supportive, centered, together woman who is strong enough, cool enough, and hot enough for me. She just gets me in a way that nobody else ever has and makes me want to work on myself, be a better person, and spend the rest of my days with her. And not in a gross obsessive way. Just in a two-puzzle-pieces-that-fit-together-right kind of way.

Hooray!

All right, I need to get back to laundry and whatnot. I am on my last two loads of laundry EVER in this place. And perhaps the last laundry I will ever pay quarters to wash & dry. WOO!

Mas later, bitches.